The Onion Presents Chronicles Of The Area Man Read online

  "And take pictures," Robillard added. "He'll be unrecognizable in a couple of years."

  Area Mom Adds Ankle Weights To Already Bizarre Workout Routine

  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Area mother Janet Cosgrove, 59, has apparently added ankle weights to her already weird fitness regimen, 30-year-old son Reggie incredulously reported Monday. "She's got the plastic suit, the ski-pole things, and the last time I was over there she was on one of those rope-and-pulley ones you strap to the doorknob," Reggie said. "I'm guessing the ankle weights have something to do with that weird flailing march exercise she does? Or maybe they're for her 'cool down.'" Reggie added that at least Mom no longer uses the ThighMaster she ordered from television in 1991, but that part of her unintelligible diet still consists of a cup and a half of fresh ground walnuts every morning at 6 a.m.

  Area Mom, Jerry To Wed

  HARRISBURG, PA—Mom, 54, is evidently going to marry Jerry, the guy she's been seeing for over a year now, family sources reported Monday.

  "You remember Jerry," Mom said in a long-distance telephone call to her youngest son, Daniel Schickele, 29. "He bought you that variety tin of popcorn last Christmas."

  "Well, we're getting married," she added.

  Mom met Jerry three years ago on an over-50 singles cruise, but did not start dating him until September 2007. Since then, the two have apparently been spending more and more time together.

  While not much is known about Jerry, 60, those who have met him have confirmed that he seems like a pretty good guy.

  "I guess he makes Mom happy," said daughter Pam Schickele, 32, who lives in Idaho now and hasn't seen Mom in a few years. "He's the bald one, right? Because I know she was seeing that other guy for a while, too, but he wasn't bald."

  Mom, who reverted to her maiden name of Pendersen after the divorce seven years ago, did not display any strong emotion during her announcement, but seemed, on the whole, to be pleased.

  "It's not like she goes on and on about him or anything, but she's fairly excited," son Ted Schickele, 27, told reporters after learning of the upcoming Mom-Jerry nuptials. "I know she joined his bowling league a while back, and I even heard they went on a camping trip together, so it seems like they've gotten pretty close. It's hard to say. I haven't seen her since that time me and the kids stopped by on our way back from Florida.

  "That guy Jerry was there," he added. "He drove an SUV that looked pretty new."

  Jerry, who is reportedly in some sort of sales or something, has a few grown kids of his own who will become stepbrothers and stepsisters once the marriage is finalized.

  "We'll probably meet Jerry's family at the wedding," Pam said. "I wonder if they still live in Harrisburg, or what. I heard one of his sons is a dentist. Or a chiropractor? I can't remember."

  What Jerry's children are like is "anybody's guess," Pam said.

  According to reports, the wedding plans include a modest ceremony, in which the bride and Jerry will exchange vows, followed by a three-day honeymoon in San Diego, where the couple will spend time with Jerry's mother, who lives in a retirement community there.

  Overall, family members have reacted to the news positively.

  "He's not George Clooney or anything, but at this point I don't see why Mom should have to sit around waiting for Mr. Perfect," Ted said. "And Jerry seems like a nice enough guy. We watched the game together one Thanksgiving."

  "He's good for her," Ted added.

  Jerry's first wife reportedly passed some years back.

  "This seems pretty sudden, but I don't know," Pam said. "When Dad married Tina a couple years ago we all wondered how that would go over, but it wasn't such a big deal. I'm sure Mom and this Jerry guy's marriage will be okay, too."

  As of press time, Dad could not be reached for comment.

  Area Girlfriend, Boyfriend Achieve Perfect Mother-Son Relationship

  PORTLAND, OR—After dating for nearly three years, area couple Peter Mazursky and Janet Hyams have finally achieved the perfect semblance of a mother-son relationship, sources close to the pair revealed Monday.

  The couple share a moment of familial contentment."My little pumpkin would practically be helpless without me," said Hyams, 28, whose role in the adult relationship has slowly transformed from romantic lover to maternal caregiver over time. "I have to supervise almost everything he does, from making sure he gets up in the morning, to reminding him about his doctors' appointments. I even have to pick out his clothes for him when we go shopping together."

  Added Hyams, "I don't know how Pete would survive if I weren't around."

  The couple—who met in 2005 and have been living together since Mazursky was evicted from his apartment—have not always had it so easy. In the beginning, their interpersonal style still contained many troubling elements of a mature relationship, including periodic moments of independence, mutual equality, and even occasional sexual contact.

  Luckily for the pair, this early period of instability quickly began to break down as arguments over Mazursky's irresponsibility and Hyams' controlling personality gave way to the codependent harmony they now share.

  "She takes care of me," said Mazursky, 26, unconsciously looking to Hyams for approval. "With Janet, I never have to worry about stuff like picking up after myself, or remembering to brush my teeth before I go to bed. Plus, she always makes all of the big decisions for both of us, which is nice."

  Since falling into preprogrammed roles from early childhood, the couple have seen their relationship undergo a number of significant changes. Sexual intercourse, once a favorite and frequent pastime, has steadily dropped off in regularity, ceasing altogether earlier this month.

  "We don't have to be having sex all the time to be happy," said Mazursky, who by this point has entirely sublimated his libido under the weight of his projected need for a maternal protector. "Right now we are focusing on other things, like losing weight. We have a system worked out where I can only eat cookies with Janet's say-so, and if she catches me eating one without permission, she gets to 'ground' me from snacks for a week. It's so great to be able to share that level of intimacy with another person."

  "My old girlfriend Jessica used to let me eat all the cookies I wanted," he added. "We just didn't have the same kind of bond that Janet and I now share."

  Hyams' maternal duties include always paying the rent for Mazursky and then hounding him to get a job, performing basic household chores to make herself feel useful and needed, and monitoring Mazursky to make sure he doesn't exceed his allotted three hours of video games per day. In return, Mazursky's duties include playing touch football with his friends, giving Hyams someone to subconsciously feel superior to, making the bed after being yelled at to do so, and allowing Hyams to lick her finger and wipe smudges off his face before they go outside.

  "When we first met, I knew there was something special about Pete—he was like a big teddy bear you just wanted to tuck into bed," Hyams explained. "That's not to say we don't still have our problems. Sometimes he throws a tantrum when he doesn't want to do the dishes, and I have to discipline him. But when he falls asleep with his head in my lap, it's all worth it."

  Mazursky agrees.

  "I'm really happy with Janet," he said. "Not every guy's got a girlfriend who calls him from work to make sure he's had lunch. I guess I'm just one lucky kid."

  "I really love Mom—I mean, Janet," Mazursky added.

  Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

  SOUTH NATICK, MA—For the third time in as many weeks, South Natick's local raccoon population took the blame Monday for the actions of 37-year-old sales manager Louis O'Halloran.

  "Goddamn raccoons," said neighbor Jim Tunney, 50, as he cleaned up the debris scattered across his yard the morning after O'Halloran accidentally sideswiped his garbage bins while trying to change radio stations in the car. "I had to buy these plastic cans because they wrecked my good aluminum ones last month. This is really starting to get out of hand."

  The upendin
g of Tunney's trash receptacles is only the most recent example of raccoons being held responsible for property damage actually caused by O'Halloran. This month alone the nocturnal creatures have been faulted for a hole O'Halloran's wife discovered in the wall of their garage—the result of a clumsily handled cinder block—and next-door neighbor Thomas Fallon's felled downspout, which was in fact brought down by O'Halloran's basketball after a poorly aimed jumpshot.

  These incidents do not include the toppling of 64-year-old Linda Dagan's birdfeeder, which varying reports have blamed on red squirrels and teenagers.

  "Those raccoons are smart little buggers, I'll give them that," said Pete Ulster, 46, whose home O'Halloran house-sat last August while Ulster was on vacation. "I still can't figure out how they got into my shed and knocked over all those paint cans. It took me a whole weekend just to clean it up."

  "And they sure did a number on my flower pots," added Ulster, referring to the mess O'Halloran made as he fled in panic from the shed. "If I ever get my hands on those critters, I'll choke the life out of them."

  Since adolescence, the lumbering and ungainly O'Halloran has been an unacknowledged source of calamity wherever he has lived, his awkward gaffes resulting in an unknown number of false accusations made against pets, the weather, and God.

  Although he continues to wreak havoc, the 37-year-old remains free from suspicion, and has done little to assuage the anger those on his block feel toward the local raccoon population. He has only come close to defending the innocent mammals once, when a neighbor mentioned last month that she believed raccoons had destroyed her flower garden, and O'Halloran nervously replied, "Or dogs. Could've been dogs."

  Though raccoons often become a nuisance in places where their habitat intersects with that of humans, Kate Yewell of the Massachusetts Division of Fisheries and Wildlife said the amount of destruction attributed to the species in O'Halloran's neighborhood was not realistic.

  "The wild animal population in the area is relatively sparse, and if anything, the few raccoons there are beneficial to the local ecosystem," Yewell said. "Also, raccoons have rarely been known to knock down power lines with a poorly maneuvered backhoe, thereby causing a blackout that lasts for days."

  Still, area residents continue to pin such catastrophes on the small mammals, with some even attempting to kill the suspected offenders.

  "Good luck trying to catch those crafty bastards," said Orin Ditmus, whose prized cherry trees have been ravaged by O'Halloran for the past two summers. "I started putting traps out last June, but the only thing I ever caught was poor Louis [O'Halloran] from down the block."

  Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name

  JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will eat any dish prefaced with the word "Tuscan," sources reported Monday. "Tuscan shrimp, Tuscan garlic chicken, it doesn't matter," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "I'm not really sure if she even knows what makes food Tuscan, but there's something about that region-specific culinary modifier that she finds inordinately appetizing." Vernacini added that Millardi likely would have loved the 2003 movie Under The Tuscan Sun had it not failed to meet her strict film criterion of having taken place between the years of 1743 and 1919.

  Area Woman Encouraged By Sight Of Other Woman Drinking Beer Alone At Airport Bar

  DES MOINES, IA—While en route to visit her cousin in South Bend, local divorcee Janet Linden, 37, told reporters Monday that her initial self-consciousness at drinking a beer by herself at Dugan's Sports Bar in the Des Moines International Airport was somewhat mitigated after she saw a woman approximately her age doing the same. "I guess it's not that bad," Linden said as she straightened herself up in her bar stool and brushed some cat hair off her skirt. "What's wrong with a single, independent woman having a cold beer while she's waiting for her flight? It's perfectly normal. Just ask that lady over there." Linden considered approaching the other woman to chat before realizing she had been looking at a mirror at the other end of the darkened bar.

  Area Teen Up To Something

  GREENFIELD, OH—A local teenager, standing on the corner of Spring Street and Dunlap Lane, is clearly up to some kind of no good, neighborhood sources reported Thursday.

  Neighbors are keeping close watch on the teen, who has an unsettling number of pockets.The teenager, spotted by Greenfield residents at approximately 4:36 p.m., has been described as tall, suspiciously quiet, and almost certainly looking for trouble. According to concerned sources, the teenager has absolutely no business being out there like that.

  "Just look at him," said Bob Page, one of several men and women currently watching the 14-year-old from their living room window. "That boy's definitely up to something."

  Signs that the teenager may be up to no good have so far included his hunched over posture, the way he keeps looking around with his eyes, and the fact that he probably owns a number of those violent video games.

  Residents told reporters that they are especially troubled by the teenager's hooded sweatshirt, which he is wearing with the hood drawn, despite it not even raining outside.

  "I don't like how I can't see his face," said homemaker Ellen Campbell, who attributed the teen's erratic behavior to the lack of positive role models in today's music industry. "He'd show his face if he weren't thinking of doing something wrong. I bet he's thinking of doing something wrong right now."

  Based on his outward appearance, many are worried that the teenager is one of those youths who were recently caught drinking in the woods behind the recycling center.

  According to residents, what the teenager will do next remains their chief concern. Though he is not currently in possession of a shopping cart, residents believe that he may in fact steal one from the nearby Stop & Shop, simply for the sake of inconveniencing others. Some have even speculated that the teenager may be planning to burn dead leaves later this afternoon, possibly with the cigarette lighter to which he no doubt has access.

  Whatever unlawful acts he may be planning, locals are convinced it will include some sort of profanity, whether spoken, written, or a combination of both.

  "He's probably waiting for one of his friends to arrive," said Howard Silverman, who pretended to check on his mailbox four separate times in order to get a better look at the teen. "Once that happens, they'll come up with something really terrible to do together."

  Added Silverman, "The songs they listen to make them angry."

  Fears among residents increased minutes later when several onlookers noticed that the teenager's hands had entered his pockets. Among the items believed to be inside his pockets were spray cans, spoiled eggs, and probably one of those miniature stereos that all the young people own.

  The teenager then removed a cell phone from his pocket, viewed its screen—which sources believe contained a nude picture of another teenager—and placed it back in his pocket.

  "What's he hiding?" homeowner Ron Kirkland asked. "One thing I know for sure: He's going to regret whatever it is he's about to do when he's older."

  In a recent poll, 56 percent of residents claimed that the teenager is selling drugs, while 34 percent said he is buying drugs. The remaining 10 percent believe that he is currently on drugs.

  Ninety-eight percent of those polled wished the teen would just go away.

  "Maybe someone should call the police," said neighbor Patricia Meyer, who instead opted to stare out her window with an even more disapproving look. "I just hope something doesn't get robbed."

  At press time, the teen adjusted his hood to reveal a giant piercing in his left earlobe.

  God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

  RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch.

  Man alive, Craig Shearer's got it bad for that fucking nutcase."Aw, who am I kidding? That nut-job's really got my number," S
hearer told reporters after being locked out of the apartment he shares with the total psycho. "She may not give me a moment's peace and I can't mention another woman's name without hearing about it for a week, but what can I do? She's the one. That fucking lunatic is the one."

  Shearer then concluded his address, sighed, and began gathering his shirts and pants from his front lawn.

  Shearer's proclamation of love for that big sack of crazy comes in direct contradiction to a statement he made at the Loading Dock nightclub last week. After getting into an argument with his girlfriend over not taking her computer classes seriously enough, Shearer was reportedly thrown out of the bar at the request of the fucking basket case, who just five minutes later assaulted the bouncer for "getting in her business" and was thrown out herself.

  During the intervening minutes, Shearer made a number of public statements regarding his girlfriend's unstable mental health, fluctuating emotions, and irritating pine-nut allergy before reconciling with the bat-shit insane woman in the backseat of their car.

  Although Shearer has tried multiple times to leave that crazy bitch once and for all, he has thus far been unsuccessful. His most recent attempt came shortly after she arrived at his office sobbing over the death of her seventh straight pet parakeet, but was ultimately delayed when Shearer couldn't imagine his life without the raving sociopath.

  "Maybe it's the way she dumped her nail polish on my pool table when I insulted her sister, or the way she cries every time I eat veal, but damned if I don't adore her crazy ass," Shearer said. "I'll kill her someday, I swear, but that wack-job is going to end up being the mother of my children."

  Friends said they have seen the couple go through many difficult times in years past, including that night when the crazy bitch had a little bit too much to drink and accused Shearer of hiding money from her, and that incident, a few weeks back, when she locked herself inside the bathroom and refused to come out until Shearer had thrown away the casserole she cooked, like she knew he wanted to. Still, sources confirmed that Shearer and his old lady always seem to work things out in the end, a trend that may suggest those crazy fucks are perfect for each other.