The Onion Presents Chronicles Of The Area Man Read online

  "When [chief flight attendant] Melinda [Garnock] directed my attention to the exit sign above my head, I was glad I made damn sure I had the procedure down," said Paschal, scanning the plane for any elderly passengers who might need special assistance. "Now, I'm basically a member of the crew. Until this plane lands, I'm no longer a civilian."

  In addition to familiarizing himself with the large, clearly marked lever, Paschal made other preparations. After introducing himself to everyone in the immediate vicinity of seat 15E, he tucked the aircraft's crash card into the underside of his tray table for easy access. He also fixed his seat in its most upright position.

  "Can't afford to relax on this flight," Paschal said. "No coffee, no soda. Got to stay ready. I might have to make my way around this bird in total darkness or even underwater."

  Paschal's zeal has not gone unnoticed by United personnel.

  "I asked him about six times to stop removing his seat cushion," Garnock said. "He said he was practicing using it as a flotation device. He only stopped when I assured him we wouldn't be crossing any oceans from Chicago to Atlanta. He kept looking over at me and giving me the thumbs-up."

  "He took me aside earlier and said he was pretty sure he could get everyone out himself, that if it came to it, I should save myself," flight attendant Yvette Sanchez said. "It took me a while to realize he was talking about helping people out of the plane in an emergency."

  Added Sanchez: "Apparently, the guy doesn't realize that in the unlikely event of a crash, we're all fucking dead."

  Area Sales Rep Played A Little Football Back In College

  LIVONIA, MI–Following a discussion of the Detroit Lions with a potential customer Monday, Kwik-Kool Heating & Air Conditioning sales representative Kevin Resnick mentioned that he played a little football back in college.

  Sales rep Kevin Resnick, 36, admits to having "tossed the pigskin around a bit."

  "Speaking of football, I used to toss the pigskin around a bit myself," the 36-year-old told Little Red Barn Plush Toys CEO Grant Nussbaum, who was looking into a Kwik-Kool heat and air system for his new factory. "Yup, played two full seasons at Central Michigan. I was a walk-on as a freshman, but by sophomore year, I practically had a full ride."

  During the one-hour meeting at Little Red Barn's Livonia headquarters, Nussbaum learned that Resnick played defensive back at CMU for two years, but blew out his right knee in May 1983.

  "It was the annual spring intrasquad game, between my sophomore and junior year, and on the very first play from scrimmage I tore my ACL," Resnick told the toy manufacturer. "And that pretty much ended that."

  "I still remember those practices," said Resnick, unfolding a glossy Kwik-Kool brochure. "Coach Meijer would put us through hell, pardon my French. The first week of training camp, we'd run 10 miles in full pads every morning and then cool down with something easy, like, oh, 25 windsprints. And even us guys who weren't starters had to do the full thing. It was insane."

  "But it was a good experience," Resnick added. "Meijer was a tough bastard, but he taught me a lot about life."

  Mark Meijer, retired but still living in Mt. Pleasant near the CMU campus, said he could not recall Resnick specifically, but noted that "all of [his] players were good, solid boys."

  "I've put on a few pounds since then, of course," said Resnick, patting his growing paunch. "But I do try to get out and shoot some hoops now and then, and I play in the company's volleyball league every summer."

  According to Resnick, "keeping physically active is the key to staying mentally active." Throughout his 11 years at Kwik-Kool, he has had the opportunity to share such bits of wisdom with coworkers, heating-and-cooling-industry suppliers, and Kwik-Kool clients, whom he frequently treats to expenses-paid lunches at local taverns.

  "Those were some of the best years of my life," Resnick said during one such three-hour meeting at J.T. McBleacher's Sports Pub with Denkinger Lanes owner Russ Denkinger, who was considering a new air-conditioning system for his bowling alley. "Being out there under the lights during a big game, everyone cheering–what a high. Of course, I only saw a few minutes of game time–it was a very seasoned team. But you should have seen that locker room after a win. Man, that was brotherhood."

  Denkinger ultimately decided not to purchase a system from Resnick.

  Despite his reminiscing, Resnick is anything but living in the past, and is "extremely excited" about his future with Kwik-Kool, a fast-growing company that has doubled its revenues over the last decade and has plans to branch out with offices as far away as Fort Wayne, IN, in the next 18 months.

  "I've got a great life–a beautiful wife, two great kids, and a new 21-foot Sea Ray," said Resnick, pulling a picture of the motorboat from his wallet. "I'm pretty much right on track in terms of the goals I've set and where I wanted to see myself at 35."

  Though he has not yet been tapped for any management positions at the company, Resnick did sell the most units in the third quarter of 1995, an achievement that earned him Kwik-Kool "Sales Star Of The Month" honors for September of that year.

  "Kevin may not be our star player, but he's a very important member of the Kwik-Kool team," said Dale Rindfleisch, Kwik-Kool regional manager and starting third baseman for George Mason University from 1983 to 1985. "To succeed in business, as in sports, you need more than great starters–you also need a solid bench."

  Area Man Hasn't Told Co-Workers About His Billy Joel Fanpage Yet

  DAYTON, OH–Ross Hudek, a 36-year-old claims processor at Northcentral Insurance in Dayton, still hasn't told co-workers about "Zanzibar," his three-month-old Billy Joel fanpage.

  Northcentral Insurance claims processor and Billy Joel fan Ross Hudek.

  "I really haven't brought it up to the gang at work," Hudek said of the site, which features Billy Joel FAQs, photos and song lyrics, as well as links to other webpages devoted to the popular, Long Island-born singer. "I'm not hiding it or anything--it's right out there for the world to see–but I'd just feel kind of weird if I knew people at Northcentral were looking at it."

  Hudek, who lists "Captain Jack," "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant" and "Summer, Highland Falls," as his all-time favorite Joel songs, said he is "pretty sure" that none of his co-workers have ever visited the fanpage.

  "[Claims adjustor] Glenn [Dietz] and I talk about Billy Joel every once in awhile, because he's also a fan," Hudek said. "He saw him on the Storm Front tour when he came through Cleveland in '89, and I was at the same show. But I don't think he knows about the site. At least, he's never mentioned it to me."

  Hudek said he spends approximately 10 hours a week on maintenance and upkeep of the website, typing in trivia questions, scanning photographs he took at various Joel concerts, and posting the results of weekly fan polls.

  "This week's question is: What is your favorite song on Turnstiles?" Hudek said. "Surprisingly, 'Miami 2017' is in the lead, with seven votes. I was sure it would be 'James' or, at the very least, 'I've Loved These Days.' Not that '2017' isn't a great song--it is. But the best on all of Turnstiles? My suspicion is that there's one person out there who really likes it and is casting multiple votes. Right now, there's nothing to prevent that."

  "I'm pretty proud of what I've done," Hudek continued. "There's a lot of good stuff there: updates on what Billy's been up to lately, midi files, desktop images, and a whole bunch of other downloadable goodies. Still, I'd kind of rather keep it to myself for now."

  Hudek's Billy Joel fanpage.

  Despite his reluctance to tell co-workers, Hudek said he has a good relationship with them. Furthermore, he insists he is not "hiding" the website and would tell his fellow Northcentral employees about it if it ever were to come up in conversation.

  "They're good people," Hudek said. "Dave [Boniol] and Bill [Kerkseich] and Samantha [Deele], in particular, I would consider more than just co-workers, and actually friends. But still, there's a limit to what we talk about. Some things are more personal, you know?"

  Hudek'
s co-workers may not have visited Zanzibar, but the fansite is not going unseen. Since its launch, it has received more than 200 visitors, and Hudek has received a great deal of positive e-mail from other Joel fans. He has even developed an ongoing "Billy Joel trivia exchange" with some of them.

  "We e-mail back and forth and try to stump each other," Hudek said. "It's a lot of fun. I'm pretty tough to stump, though. You can't just ask me something easy like, 'What was the inspiration for "Big Shot"?' or, 'Who is the "Famous Violinist Incognito" who plays on "The Downeaster Alexa"?' Or even, 'Who is the Rosalinda in "Rosalinda's Eyes"?'"

  Added Hudek: "A very bad date with Bianca Jagger; Itzhak Perlman; and Billy's mom."

  Hudek said he decided to set up the fanpage after visiting a number of other Joel sites and finding them to be "big on graphics but sorely lacking in accurate, detailed information."

  "If you're going to have a site devoted to the life and music of Billy Joel, you don't start your discography with Cold Spring Harbor," Hudek said. "You go all the way back to his pre-solo years with The Hassles."

  "Not that I'm, like, a fanatic about him, or anything," Hudek added. "I love his music, but it's not the only thing I do. And I certainly wouldn't want to give my co-workers that impression."

  Area Woman To Get By On Looks For Six More Years

  SAN DIEGO–Michelle Haltigan, a highly successful advertising executive known throughout the San Diego area for her striking physical attributes, will continue to get by on looks for six more years, it was reported Monday.

  San Diego-area advertising executive Michelle Haltigan, who has until the year 2004 to coast on her appearance.

  Sources report that the 23-year-old Huntington Beach native will be able to coast effortlessly until late 2004, when her appearance will no longer be sufficient to guarantee preferential treatment in her professional and personal life.

  Haltigan, recently chosen for promotion at H. William Gordon Advertising over a number of more qualified, less luminous co-workers, enjoys a wide range of unspoken societal prettiness privileges. She receives free flowers from street-cart vendors, is allowed to skip ahead in line for the Stairmaster at her apartment complex's mini-gym, and gets priority scheduling from tanning-salon personnel throughout the San Diego area. At booked restaurants, she is always quickly seated and attended to, and when pulled over for speeding, her chances of being let off with just a warning are 17 times greater than the average person's.

  As a result of her attractiveness, Haltigan also enjoys greatly enhanced discretionary powers in interpersonal relationships. Able to choose from a nearly endless list of suitors, she always operates from a position of strength in dating scenarios, rarely finding her desires challenged or denied by would-be sexual partners. When faced with resistance, Haltigan is able to persuade partners to relent by pouting her lower lip slightly and saying, "Pretty please?" in a childlike, flirtatiously wheedling tone.

  Haltigan, whose looks have made it unnecessary for her to cultivate attractive personality traits, is reportedly unconcerned about the finite nature of her powers. When asked for comment on the rapidly closing six-year beauty-privilege window, she simply flashed what witnesses described as a "dazzling" smile, displaying her perfect, professionally whitened teeth.

  "I think I'll go skiing in Taos this weekend with Andre or Michael, or maybe Ethan if he's back from Europe," Haltigan told reporters. "By the way, how do you like this new sweater I bought?"

  Experts say the state of denial in which Haltigan lives is easy for her to preserve, primarily due to the nonverbal affirmations she receives daily, a form of tacit approval that fosters her illusory faith in the permanence of her esteemed status in the eyes of others.

  "I'm sure in the back of her mind, on some subconscious level, she must know that time is ticking away," said noted psychotherapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "But, for the most part, the many perks that come with being beautiful block out any real awareness she might have. One can understand how this process works when one considers how unbelievably good-looking she is at the present time."

  "I even asked her out myself once," Wasserbaum said, "but she said that, unfortunately, she was too busy that weekend to attend the symposium."

  As a busy advertising executive, Haltigan's duties include taking clients to lunch, attending departmental presentations, networking with other executives, and taking clients to dinner. Other professional obligations include twice-weekly hair appointments, mud-bath skin treatments and sessions with her personal trainer.

  "In my job, I have to look good," Haltigan said. "Projecting the right professional image is crucial to winning the client's confidence and trust."

  Haltigan's commitment to success has earned her the admiration of her coworkers. "We all love Michelle here at Gordon Advertising," said company president Donald Gehry, 59. "There's a certain quality about Michelle that enables her to just light up a meeting. She's got that certain 'presence' necessary to be a big success in the advertising game."

  According to experts, shortly after turning 29, Haltigan will begin her descent into shrewish bitterness, suffering a string of humiliating failed relationships, unemployment and, ultimately, a free-fall into neurotic self-loathing and cocaine addiction sometime around 2007.

  But despite the looming threat of her inevitable loss of beauty and influence, Haltigan remains nonchalant about the future.

  "I don't really have time to worry about what might happen down the road, because I've got real-world goals I'm committed to making happen today," Haltigan said. "The fast-paced world of advertising is all about living in the now."

  "I'm always on the go, making sure I get the most out of life, pushing myself to be everything I can be," Haltigan continued before pausing briefly to toss her hair over her shoulder, adding, "but if you call me next week, I might be free."

  Area Boyfriend Much Nicer Before Sex

  SHREVEPORT, LA–Jordan Farmer, 22, boyfriend of Mindy Hodges, 20, is significantly nicer before sex, Hodges reported Monday. "Before we have sex, he's always really sweet to me, and he, like, tells me my hair looks nice and stuff. And if I'm upset about something, he listens and tells me that he loves me and that everything's going to be all right," Hodges said. "But then, afterwards, he stops listening to me, and he screams at me and says he's going to break up with me if I don't stop being so clingy and annoying." Hodges has vowed to make an effort to be less clingy and annoying.

  Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair

  BURWELL, NE–Local hair stylist Pam Nowicki would love to do Julia Roberts' hair, Nowicki announced Monday at the Mane Attraction Beauty Salon in downtown Burwell.

  Hair stylist Pam Nowicki, who says she could "work wonders" with Julia Roberts' hair.

  "Julia Roberts is so gorgeous," the 41-year-old certified cosmetologist said. "I would just die to get my hands on that luscious hair of hers."

  Nowicki, who has the second-longest tenure at Mane Attraction behind owner and head stylist Janet Hunter, said she would likely take three or four inches off Roberts' hair and layer the back.

  "Whoever's doing Julia's hair now just isn't making the most of her facial features," Nowicki said. "She's got those incredible almond-shaped eyes and high cheekbones, but her hairstyle isn't accentuating them nearly as much as it could."

  Added Nowicki: "Pretty Woman is my all-time favorite movie. I've seen it, like, 200 times."

  A lifelong resident of Burwell, Nowicki has been a stylist for 17 years, spending three years at Shear Magic on Holcomb Avenue and four at Hair & Now in the Burwell Plaza strip mall before arriving at her current position in 1989.

  "Personally, I think she looked best in My Best Friend's Wedding," said Nowicki, whose seniority enables her to get first crack at the perm and tinting appointments, leaving most of the low-tip-yielding $7.99 cut-and-style jobs for the newer stylists. "For that movie, they did her hair with a chestnut tint, which is perfect for an autumn like Julia. In all honesty, though, I probably would hav
e dyed her hair even a few shades redder."

  "I think I could really do wonders with Julia's hair," said Nowicki, sifting through a plastic, teal-and-pink caddy of combs, scissors and butterfly clips. "Somehow, I've just got this knack for making people look their best."

  While Roberts is Nowicki's favorite Hollywood star, she is not the only actress whose hair Nowicki would love to do. During her 10 years at Mane Attraction, Nowicki has expressed a desire to style the hair of such leading ladies as Meg Ryan, Melanie Griffith and Sandra Bullock.

  "I saw Sandra on Access Hollywood last night, and it looked like she was definitely due for a shape-up," Nowicki said. "Or, at the very least, a little off the ends."

  "It would be so much fun to work with a big star," said Nowicki, who makes $6.50 an hour, plus tips. "Not that I don't appreciate my customers here at The Mane."

  Julia Roberts

  One such regular customer, Burwell resident Mary Klapisch, is well aware of Nowicki's talents. "Pam is really up on the latest styles–she gets tons of magazines, including People, Glamour and Cosmopolitan, and she never misses Entertainment Tonight," Klapisch said. "She said that with my facial shape, she could make me look just like Celine Dion."

  Among Nowicki's higher-profile clientele are such Burwell luminaries as city-council member Teresa Bonner, PTA president Maggie Kittridge, and Burwell Post-Dispatch bookkeeper Annette Pedersen.

  Though she has yet to achieve her dream of cutting the hair of a Hollywood star, Nowicki recently had the chance to work with an actual television personality.

  "Two weeks ago, Katie Oberman, the news anchor for [NBC affiliate] KTNE over in Lincoln, was passing through town and got a haircut from me," Nowicki said. "It was such an amazing experience, getting the opportunity to actually do a hairstyle for the camera. I watched her the next night on the news, and she looked fantastic."